I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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