I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Come see our sink grown plant.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
