Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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