its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
