I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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