If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
