You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Randomize
