Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
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I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
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You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
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