Don't EVER smell your tampon
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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