I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Randomize
