Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
