it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
