Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
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