and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
