I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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