somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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