I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
