Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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