I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
