turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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