Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Randomize
