im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
