Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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