Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
