apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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