captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
