update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
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When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
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Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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