You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Randomize
