I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I want to be your penis for a week.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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