Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Randomize
