I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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