My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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