you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
