Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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