are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
you didnt know i had herpes?
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
