So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Contemplating These 27 Questions Will Make Your Brain Explode
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
25 People Confess The Most Shocking Things They’ve Ever Seen In Public
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw