Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.