I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
time to smoke my breakfast
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Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
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I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I just had sex on a roof
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.