I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Randomize
