you mean i was at the winter classic?
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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