Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
