You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
