Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
