A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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