If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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