I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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