I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
my poor anus
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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