I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
