You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
