I'm pants shitting drunk right now
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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