from now on my penis is your penis
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I think my moral compass just broke
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