Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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