I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
