He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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