You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
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