I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Randomize
