today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
