Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
