if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
