just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
You left your phone here
Wait...
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
